*Fill in your own title*

I haven't posted in awhile because I have felt that I have nothing much that I want to write about. This is bad not because I delude myself to think that anyone is depending on me writing in my little blog but because the introspection that I do while blogging is good for me. However, today Crazy Purple Wombat let me know that she had posted on her depression. So I checked that out and have been ... inspired (not quite the right word) by what she's written.

I have mild depression - very mild and I'm very fortunate for that. I currently take a herbal tablet for it and thankfully have not had to look at taking antidepressants with all their (potential) side effects. So in reading and reflecting on what CPW has said, there's been a lot that I could relate to.

In addition to this I've been looking at old photos as research for my brother's 21st. Looking at them I can recognise time when I wasn't feeling like myself and I was as CPW so cleverly put it, doing a ‘passable impersonation of myself’ for the people around me. I can also recognise (and regret!) the stupid decisions I have made.

At times I really wish I could go back and explain to the people around me that were affected by my stupid decision what was happening for me at that time and why I did some of the things I did. As much as people may try, I don't think anyone will ever understand what was running through my head during some of those 'low' times (in more senses of the work 'low' that just the one!) and why I was acting 'weird'. Also they may understand and take that on board but I may not be able to see that they have done that. So there comes a point when I just need to let it go and realise that what happened, happened for a reason. Whether or not I appreciate that reason or regret the decisions made doesn’t matter. I still find that very hard to do and fully let go of these things and it's something I will keep working on.

CPW also mentioned 'maintaining' her depression which is something I can relate to. I hate having to be aware of how I'm feeling all the time. Having to wonder if I feel sad just because something has happened and that's an appropriate response or because I'm feeling a bit depressed at that point in time. I find it interesting that one of the clues that I'm not feeling so good is that I stop wearing make-up. I don’t' wear a whole lot on a good day but the act of caring about my appearance in that small way is an indicator that I feel okay or that I'm starting to not care again.

The problem is that if I don't keep an eye on things then I get surprised by an 'inappropriate over emotional reaction'. This happened to me on Thursday at work. I had spent the Monday-Wednesday at Synod, the state level meeting of the Uniting Church in Victoria and Tasmania. I had a great time, which is very strange and probably a little bit tragic as well! They days run from about 9am-9:30pm and I was exhausted by the time I went to work on Thursday morning. However I didn't realise how tired I was. So then when discussing a small 'hiccup' in my perceived ideas I burst in to tears. VERY EMBARASSING!

Normally that's not something that would have upset me. Maybe just made me uncomfortable or frustrated for awhile. However because I was over-tired I completely overreacted. I've tried explaining that to the others at work who were aware of what happened by I still feel like I haven't really explained it because feeling something and not being really sure why you're feeling it is so hard to grasp. And very frustrating to feel! At this point I remind myself of what I said before. It's happened, I can't change what happened and I need to stop worrying about people understanding or not understanding and just get on with life.

I'm so lucky that I have very mild depression. I pray that I have it under control and that I will never find out what it's like to have severe depression. I don't wish that on my enemies. I pray for people who do have to face the helplessness and trapped feelings of depression.

Thanks CPW for making me reflect on this today and helping me start to think things through enough to put them on 'paper'.